Sugarfix Crunch

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2012-05-20 05:07:37

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Welcome to Sugarfix Crunch!

This new tale chronicles the wayfearing and hellish crusade of the most lovely of all lady Jestresses (she paid me to say that) and is designed to stay crunchy even in swill. Make sure to put your username, in brackets, before each edit you make. Also be sure to adhere to the rules posted in Sugarfix Gardens. Much love, lovers!
Back to Sugarfix Gardens you viscious peace lily!

Please add your name to this list of writers the first time you edit. I want to know who you are so that there're two people in the world who can remember your name!

1.) [iszendre]
2.) [perfumed ignition]
3.) [Vattukatt]
4.)

Sugarfix Crunch!

[iszendre] Faintly at first I felt a warm glow on my cheek. I opened my eyes and found myself tucked into a warm, cozy bed, a freshly dead chicken warming my face, with no rangers, no dragon, no horsey, and no arse-affixed, crowned, cross-dressing boss loser king! Uggghh, I'm nude as usual, I thought as I looked down, tossing the chicken corpse at a serrated cow hiding in the corner.

On the bright side I had been bathed and there was a yummy new set of purple spandex waiting for me, more ornate than ever, with leather attachments. I dressed thinking my luck had changed until the door behind me creaked slightly open and a note slid in the room. "From: The noble Lord Nibblenuggets". I moved to inspect further, reclaiming the chicken as a club (Hehe, chicken club!) only to find that on the other side of the door was a freshly picked bouquet of pipe bombs with such a pretty pretty red ribbon and .... Oh, bollox.

[perfumed ignition] A large explosion completely destroyed my new purple spandex suit, along with the door, a passing rat, the door again, the new outlook I had on life, and several of the fingers on my right hand. Luckily, being the skilled seamstress I was, I managed to reattach all four missing fingers. It wasn't until moments later that I realized the explosion had only blown off two of my fingers and I now had a complete set of seven. Where the other two had come from, I didn't know, but damn it if they weren't useful when playing the lute. Unfortunately, I didn't know how to play the lute.

I put on another purple spandex suit (conveniently, there was a closet full of them) and started packing everything I could find into a sack I found under the bed. I took everything I thought would be necessary for the perilous journey ahead. I grabbed food, water, more spandex, a map, the TV remote, the dead chicken, some extra fingers I found laying around, and a rocket launcher. Eventually, there was only room enough in the sack for one more item. I could either take an important looking dungeon key labeled, "Property of Lord Nibblenuggets" or a really cute book of butterfly stickers. The choice was obvious. I packed up the stickers and headed out.

[iszendre] I began climbing down the ridiculously tall tower when I noticed a sign reading "Beware the curse of ten thousand mousetraps". I continued, careful to step on every single trap, until I found a door at the bottom on the floor of all preposterorities! I found it had lock with the regent's seal, a mouth and some nuggets. Obviously I had to use either the key that was up forty- seven point two flights of stairs or find another means.

I picked the lock with my teeth startled to notice it was a bi-metal lock. When my kisser met the lord's seal, I tasted the second flavor of metal. He had brass nuggets! I shed my breakfast on the floor at the thought and then ventured on into dungeon where I found a single guard busy scratching himself. He looked appreciably stupid so I asked "Ever had a wet willy?" When he plugged his ears I kicked him in the marbles and ran waving my hands and screaming toward the cells. It was then I noticed I had a mousetrap clasped round my tongue. I waggled my trapped raspberry at my fetal positioned, newly green-faced fallen foe as I ran.

[Vattukatt] Occupied by my current trail of thought I whirled into a horde of undead people. This filled me with complete and utter bliss. They were so charming. So regal. So filled with undefined intellect. A prickling sensation to my toes brought to my attention that a few was already workng their way trough my feet, teeth clattering. Joy! With a big grin smeared all over my face, I danced on with my mouth slowly going numb, backed up by a choir of undead voices. Then there was this man, important looking, thought he was blocking the path. ”Oh-” he said, made half the beginning of a silly stance. I ran past him. My following crowd ran all over him, teeth clattering, it made me feel warm inside. Then there was this hole. I didn't hear the end of it but I felt it coming up to attack my face.

I wriggled about upon a fleshy presence. It was a whole human...'s leg, one of those friendly looking legs you see on tv. I picked it up and it became my best friend. I started clawing frantically at the slippery walls but they only hissed and scurried away. The leg tugged wetly at my arm and I felt that maybe it didn't look that trustworthy after all. It had one of those faces you wouldn't want staring back at you from across your breakfast. The thing with detached legs is that they tend to turn back to their original state of mind – the arrogant, backstabbing kind with bad taste in furniture. Could I really trust this to be a good natured leg?

[iszendre] Well, the leg was shaved and it had a collar so I figured it must have belonged to someone so I tucked it into my backpack with a little sack of food and proceeded. It wasn't long before I found a door. When I opened it I saw several smirking idiots. I like idiots when they don't realize their heads will plummet up their tail pipes with my patented "Head up Ass" machine. It has a crank and everything! I know a particular Master's Forest Ranger who learned that the hard way after tugging on my hat's jingle ball.

"I trust you know who I am?" he asked stroking his cat fondly enough to make one wonder.
"Jim Belushi?"
"You know, I ... Wait..what? I am the Lord Nibblenuggets and you are the star of my new reality sitcom starring you, some peasants, the nobles that tested me, and my little sister. Oh, and the producer was suffering chronic pissing me off syndrome so I cut off her leg and then set the undead on her." I had to think fast while the overstuffed prick-face began laughing like I do when eat somebody...wait, did I really think that?

2011-06-29 [iszendre]: Lord NN tells us that you receive a free and irrevocable lifetime membership after submitting more than eight comments since the sponsors pay like comments are Nielson ratings on television. I'm afraid there was fine print and NN made me shut up with a branding iron. Being a bard myself was more fun. I used to only get hit by cabbages and small children. Now I train the poor sons of...where was I?

I raise baby recycled unicorns and nurture them from infancy. Green stripy ones are rare but I sense that you are a worthy master. Yes, you were promoted to master because of the loophole in the 30 day free trial. Now you can send your very own slaves to their own glorious deaths plus you'll make a lot of nibblecash pimping gladiators to lord goon, the reaper.

2011-06-29 [Vattukatt]: But that's... oh come on, he made that up right now! That's not fair, now I have no choice! Who is this lordship, is there a way to talk business with him over dinner? I can't cook very well but I can pretend to make sandwiches.
I'd have chickens over kids any day..
Since your days as bard are over I suppose you can't be trained and used for anything. It's a shame because I was almost getting used to you, but now I should have to choose a random idiot to flee with instead.

Can such nibblecash be used to upgrade weapons and bodyparts?

2011-06-30 [iszendre]: Nibblecash can be used for anything my perfect science can dream and who says my barding is completely over? The jerk just tried to feed me to something again. It's the third time since breakfast and... Oh he heard me. That means that I will be fed to Langilor. Great. Yes, bolt the shackles a bit tighter. It appears that my freedom from death will be up for auction to the highest bidder. Order now.

2011-06-30 [Vattukatt]: And what does your perfect science dream then?
It makes me wonder what he feeds on himself, I just need to know what bait to put in my secret traps. I do want audience with him. I believe we have things to settle.

Do I pay for you with my membership/comments as well?

2011-07-02 [iszendre]: Yup. Posts in the story give you twice the nibblecash and gifts of fabled artifacts give you honorary membership in the National Nuggets Learning Sciences Institute but I wouldn't suggest visiting as you will be mistaken for a test hobo.

My perfect science blends alchemistry with grotesque surgical engineering. If you want an infrared eye for example we can do it. Superhuman strength, certainly. If I am not sold sold on the slave block I will be doing my next infomercial from within the Langilor's belly. Operators are standing by.

2011-07-04 [iszendre]: I am now inside the belly of the beast. Hey, I found the producer of the zombie show.

2011-07-04 [Vattukatt]: He must be a brave man. Or must have been, at least.

2011-07-05 [iszendre]: I appear to be unscathed, having been excreted from the langilor. The jerk is still digesting my harp and lunch box.

2011-07-05 [Vattukatt]: Well now you can get yourself a banjo. I'm sure the harp is in a better place. If there is a better place for harps. I'm sure there is. He's happy now . . . *sob*

2011-07-08 [iszendre]: I am now playing dueling banjos. Hey, Langilor, you got a pertty mouth!

2011-07-08 [Vattukatt]: That's... that's a bit unsettling. If.. I may say so. I think I'm starting to feel compelled to move away. There should be an exit... oh darn! The special glued furniture! How could I miss that thing, it's huge! And smells weird.. oh goddangit.

Um... a little help..? Please..?

2011-07-23 [iszendre]: The exits have been sealed with...ummm...some glue or something. Maybe duct tape. It must be the curse of the mummy or the carpenter. I'll get you out as soon as I finnish this ice cream sandwich.

2011-07-23 [Vattukatt]: Oh ice cream sandwich! I thought they were extinct! Me and my crazy forest living woodcutter guy used to hunt those on early Sunday mornings. What good times there were!

2011-07-26 [iszendre]: You should see the hunt on tuesday. The push pops will hopping in their orange sherbet goodness. You can follow the moose tracks as long as go neopolitan :)

2011-07-26 [Vattukatt]: I haven't been able to hunt since that day when the woodcutter guy climbed up a tree and disappeared. It was such a shock. The only thing left was some discolored hair from his beard.

Isn't it kinda funny how the actual story isn't progressing at all? Writers are very delicate individuals. Maybe something's scaring them away?

2011-08-14 [iszendre]: Here it is actually perfectly normal to be afraid of your own shadow. My shadow once stole my wallet and bought useless trinkets.

2011-08-15 [Vattukatt]: My shadow sneaks out at night when he knows I can't see him and goes to parties with demons. It's really unpleasant because when he's gone the dreams are free to feast on me.

Hey.
Weren't you gonna make me a town.. or was it a house? I don't remember....

2011-08-15 [iszendre]: My shadow is usually up wailing guitar solos until the early morning. It is quite sad for something with no eardrums but he pulls it off. At least it drives away the mutant wombats.

As far as the town or house deal goes, we can start with a statue in Gladiator Square right in front of the arena with a nice hedge around it. Not too high so as to keep from covering your tunic. I am back in NN's favor though he keeps writing things down on a notepad and sends clumsy spies to follow me wherever I go.

2011-09-21 [iszendre]: It really sucks but, after months and only a few entries, I may have to retire Sugarfix yet again. If you want Sugarix to remain, let me know something.

2011-09-28 [Vattukatt]: And it was getting to be such an adventure.. and it was the only place that remembered my name too.

2012-06-05 [girl4u23]: Hello,
( nancy4god2@yahoo.com ) My name is Miss Nancy,I came across your contact as i was searching for good friend, A friend who truly understand his or her friend and share their feelings together. please kindly accept my request, I believe that distance can never be a barrier but let?love connect us because love is a bridge that connected far distance to be close to each other.I will send my pictures to you immediately i receive your reply.( nancy4god2@yahoo.com )
yours ,Miss.Nancy

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